In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
You Might Also Like
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Okay
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.