In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks