Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

😭😭

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

how was your vacation

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.