Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”