In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.