Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

that’s really how it is

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat