In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
good work, detective
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“I FIXED IT!”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them