In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
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a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Every work meeting this week
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.