Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

@ candidates for local office

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Software Development ⛵️

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM