in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
john wicks are toilet candles
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose