In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
You Might Also Like
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you