in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
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When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*bites zombie*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.