in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
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Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?