In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
