in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.