in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate