in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
You Might Also Like
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.