in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
still the best tweet of the year by far
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Haha good job!!
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking