In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.