In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one