In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
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I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
fired
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.