In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Hit me in the face with a bird
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
How to find Kentucky on a map
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.