In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.