In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
why am I working on Labor Day
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.