In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?