In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”