Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.