In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*updates tinder bio*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days