In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!