In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.