[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
it takes so much energy
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.