Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

ㅤ

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.