[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
You’re not my real can
