[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.