[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.