[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”