[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
How does one answer this?
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Printer ink is expensive
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans