[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“The Perfect Relationship”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
File under excellent bookstore names.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I don’t get marriage
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze