[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.


Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!


I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.


It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.


Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.


[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)


My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.