Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.