In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”