In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
You Might Also Like
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
this is the best interaction on twitter
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered