He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick