@BackrowSeats

In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.

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@huntigula

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

@ArfMeasures

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

@Lucifervor

[at a climate change conference]
Scientist: What have YOU done to prevent global warming?
Me: bro I made the change from spicy nacho to cooler ranch Doritos

@TheCatWhisprer

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

@amazymay72x

Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.

Me: No rush.

3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.

@bluntphilip

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

@JustDontBugMe

[on the phone with cable company]

Me: how do I cancel my cable?

Rep: first you go to our website and look for our FAQ section-

*30 minutes later*

Rep: -and then you have to steal the Declaration of Independence to get to the map on the back. The map will lead you to a clue-

@weinerdog4life

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

@jonnysun

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

@bfrosty04

I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.