Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

What’s a Messi?