Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

:/

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.