Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
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Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.
Me: It’s really not that bad
Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!