In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
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My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Does beer think about me too?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
i want it utterly assaulted.
