In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that