In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
i think we should see other cousins
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
These are too funny not to post 😂