Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?