Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man