In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Huge, if true.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it