In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
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My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Vodka burrito was a success
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law