Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

Found the job I’m suited for

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

what the hell pray for carter everyone

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse