In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book