In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
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Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”