In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
