In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
still the best tweet of the year by far
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
