In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
