Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…