In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.