In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship