In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???