Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I need better friends
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?