In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
You Might Also Like
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Sing it!
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]