In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
🤣🤣🤣
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”