In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
The French word for sex is croissant.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯