In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Seems legit.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA