In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
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[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.