In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Hitlers gonna hitl
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.