Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

sistine chapel

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.