In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.