In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Match dot com, but for socks.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Waiting for the Charmin
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.