In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
you have three unread messages
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Science memes
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.